I’m going to be very straight forward and to the point here. Bright was terrible. Absolutely awful. After it was over I tried to make excuses for it, but as time went on it became more clear to me just how shit this movie really is. Why was I trying to make excuses for it? Because the concept behind this movie is amazing, and deep, and full of potential. Max Landis wrote a good script that could have been turned into a great movie and David Ayer ruined it. Will Smith couldn’t even save this movie!.. So, what is this movie about? It’s set in an alternate universe where fantasy creatures live in the modern world with humans. An orc cop (Joel Edgerton) is made partners with a human cop (Will Smith) which is unheard of because racism. They come into possession of a wand, a magic item that can only be controlled by a “Bright” and the movie devolves into a “run-away-from-bad-guys” shtick. What this movie is REALLY about is the races though. The plot doesn’t matter, and it’s pretty clear by how predictable and disappointing everything is that the main characters do. What actually matters and what is the real point of the movie is the racism between Elves, Orcs, and Humans in this movie and the similarities with the race problems we have in real life… And that was disappointing to me. This movie had every opportunity to be fantastic in just the concept alone. Lord of the Rings meets End of Watch. Fantasy meets buddy cop. In modern-ish, amazing world!.. However, one thing that I did like was the fact that the movie jumped right in. The beginning was strong and it assumed we understood the concept and that all this was normal. I liked that a lot, it aloud us to get directly in the story. There was a a bit of a background with a war between races thousands of years ago that should have been expanded on more, but it explained what it had to. That’s it though. Nothing else in this movie pushed boundaries or was anything more than a racial message disguised as buddy-cop-fantasy movie with terrible lead chemistry and laughably-bad dialogue.
To say I am disappointed in this movie would be a severe and drastic understatement. The first Kingsman movie was one of my favorite movies of 2014 and was everything I thought James Bond use to be in a modern way. It had spectacular acting, an over-the-top plot, amazing action, and good comedy. It was loved… What Golden Circle’s biggest mistake was is trying too hard to be Secret Service in almost every aspect. The plot is the exact same with only a few altered details. Big rich person releases something deadly in something that affects nearly the entire world and the good guys have to go get input a code in a computer in a secret lair in order to stop it and save the world. People loved the action sequence with Collin Firth backed by Free Bird so every action sequence is cut the exact same way with crazy music in the background. Now, there have been plenty of movies that play the imitation game and do just fine, but Secret Service was far and away better than Golden Circle. Samuel L Jackson was a better villain than Julianne Moore, bringing much more depth to the character. Action sequences were lacking and at times nearly impossible to watch, overdoing it with the shtick… Where this movie could have thrived was in the Statesman, acting as the American Kingsman counterpart. It promised to be fun and a new take, and promised Channing Tatum. False advertising at it’s worst! Channing Tatum was one of the prominent points in every trailer I watched for this movie and had maybe fifteen minutes of screen time before being conveniently taken away. Kingsman: The Golden Circle is nearly two and a half hours long, feels about three and a half, and needs to be an hour and a half. OR, just never made at all
Well… That was a big piece of shit. Wasn’t this supposed to be amazing? I don’t know who the hell decided that this was fucking gold because they clearly meant shit.. The Nice guys follows a guy that is basically hired muscle and a private investigator. They team up together to find a young woman that made a porno. This porno contains a hidden message about the corrupt system. The system will destroy Detroit (obviously), so these guys try to save the porno. FUCKING WHAT?! I am fine with weird plot, in fact sometimes they are fun. I am not fine with them when the movie takes itself seriously. And, I suppose I could look past that if this movie made me laugh and had some good action. After all it is an action comedy. However the action is stale and far between, and the comedy falls flat with every joke. So… Ya… This sucks.