When two kids go to see their grandparents that their mother has fallen out of touch with, strange things begin to happen and maybe their grandparents aren’t who they thought they were… The Visit is a truly terrifying movie, you guys are lucky I even watched this thing! Following two children on a visit to their grandparents they get more than they bargained for. It starts out pretty normal but things happen that don’t make sense and grandma and grandpa get progressively stranger and… murderous. I don’t know any of the actors in this but everyone does a great job, especially the children (which is saying a lot these days). You have a surprising amount of backstory and character depth as well! On top of all that it has almost a perfect combination of uncomfortable, suspense, and jump scares… I will never watch it again purely because in almost literally scared the shit out of me but I highly recommend it to anyone who loves horror.
I think M. Night is back.
Cabin in the Woods, Excuse me, THE Cabin in the Woods is a spectacular take on the usual horror cliche. It does this by being SUPER cliche and then explaining why all horror movies are that stupid. I’m not going to spoil anything, but, horror “movies” aren’t movies (wink wink). Cabin in the woods follows five stereotypes of teens as they spend their time out at an old uncles spooky cabin. You have the jock, slut, prude, pothead, and nerd/token black friend… Reviewing this movie is hard to do without revealing the twist because it is such a major part of the movie, but, just know that at a certain point it is no longer scary and turns into a sci-fi suspense! I can’t handle scary movies, however the story of this is so good that I really don’t care. If you are like that too this is definitely for you!
As anyone that has been following me for a while will know, I am fucking terrified of scary movies. I can’t handle them and I rarely watch them. So, when I build up the courage to watch a scary movie, I try to make it the best one! Imagine my disappointment… The Conjuring 2 follows a family that recently settled into a house that they didn’t really want to move in to (sound familiar?). The kids fuck with a Ouija board and the old man that died in the house years ago starts to drive the family out in the only way ghosts know how… Once again the Warrens, Ed and Lorraine, come to save the day… Though I am not a fan of this movie, I have to say that Ed and Lorraine are probably my favorite characters to ever hit a horror franchise!.. Now, I want to stess that very little has happened in my description and we are over an HOUR in by now. This movie spins it’s wheels and wastes your time for quite a while until anything happens, and even then it’s only marginally interesting until the last thirty minutes. Until the last thirty minutes the Warrens continuously blame the little possesed girl for faking everything for attention when it’s CLEARLY not fake! Dumbasses… Anyway. I don’t want to tell you too much but there is a kinda cool twist at the end and then it ends exactly as you expected… There is nothing new or original in this movie. Nothing as terrifying as hide and clap. It introduces nothing new, and it’s scares are half-heartedly thrown in. I’m sad to say all of this, I loved the first one, but it is true.
What the hell was that shit? I just wasted an hour and a half of my life, yet it felt like a lot more! Krampus is an awesome concept! A Christmas Horror movie that combines comedy with scary… Comedy and scary apparently don’t mix that easily. What this gave you was cringe-worthy acting amidst yawn inducing scares. The suspense was never built up enough, because we saw the monster almost immediately AND they kept telling shitty jokes. But, I could also never get a good laugh going (unless it was at the movie itself). The least this could of done is offer some gore, but, it didn’t even have the balls to be rated R! But, hey? At least the ending was as terrible and nonsensical as the rest of the movie, right?
In the spirit of honesty I should have you know that I am a little bitch when it comes to anything scary. Despite that, though, I know for a fact that this game is terrifying! Ever been watching a horror movie and wish you could tell the characters what to do so they don’t die? Now you can! Until Dawn is a PS4 only horror game, that is more like a movie. You play as eight twenty-somethings that take a trip to their friends cabin on top of a mountain on the one year anniversary of two of their friends mysterious death there. You make decisions throughout the game that effect the story, who dies, and the end of the game. The butterfly effect plays a HUGE role in this. A seemingly arbitrary decision you make at the start of the game can kill somebody later on. How you treat somebody can effect if they cause your death… You can save everyone, or no one! Beyond the great mechanics of the game, the story itself is deep. The main story of these kids and their friends and night at this cabin is great. Sure, it uses every movie trope it can think of but this is just you controlling a horror movie! Going deeper than the main story though you learn about the history of the mountain in 1952, and the lives of the twins you kill of in the beginning… Just make sure you explore! On top of all that this game is gorgeous. Maybe the most gorgeous game I have ever payed. It focuses on every little detail and draws you into this world in a way that makes it that much more terrifying. I don’t just recommend playing this game. I recommend playing it many many times to get every story you can!
To anybody that has been reading my reviews for a while, you know that I scare far too easily. Well, Fear 3 was the PERFECT game for me. Not only was I able to play with a buddy, but it creates its horror in the perfect way! Fear 3 is definitely not a perfect game, but it is a beautifully designed game. The replay value of this game is very VERY high. Even though you know exactly when the scary shit is going to happen you catch something new and creepy every time you replay the level. Even though you have a gun, when you walk into a dark room with a flickering light, and hear noises all around you are still quite nervous. I realize this is a short review but there isn’t much to say. Fear 3 is a pretty standard game, there is nothing quite special about the mechanics or story line, yet it is beautiful and immersive.
The original title for this piece of shit was “Cybernatural”… Holy shit, I didn’t think they could have made this any worse. It almost was. Unfriended follows a group of friends on Skype that are getting haunted by the cyber ghost (or some other stupid shit) of their old friend that committed suicide after an embarrassing video was put up. As you can probably tell, I thought this was a giant pile of horror garbage that put shame to other giant piles of horror garbage. What you need to understand is that I can’t handle anything scary. As a kid I couldn’t watch Harry Potter 2 if it was dark out. This movie didn’t scare me, it just bored the shit out of me and annoyed me. There are literal 10 minute periods with absolutely no talking, all you see is the main girl looking stuff up on the internet, or messaging her BF. These silences are unexplained too, the other characters have no reason to not talk to each other! Skype crackles and fades in and out, and looks like shit too. I understand that it does that in real life, but i can suspend my disbelief for a movie that doesn’t look like hell! On top of all that, these characters are awful, and most of them are all around terrible people, you root for the cyber-ghost-thing to kill them faster so you can just stop watching.
So, I’m lying in bed and looking for trailers when I see Keanu Reeves. I think “That’s awesome, I love this guy, his movies are great usually.” Sadly, this does not look like it will be usually. This movie is brought to you by Eli Roth. The same guy that brought you Hostel, the wonderful gore porn series. Knock Knock is about a wholesome family man that lets two beautiful woman come into use his phone and change. These two woman then seduce him, screw him, and then torture him for doing so. First of all, he said no and tried to resist at first. He is a 50 year old man being asked to a threesome by two hot naked girls, and initially says no! You should commend him for that alone, not torture him to death! Second of all, Keanu Reeves is fifty years old! He looks like a slightly worn 35! Now, I don’t like horror movies, BUT I’ll watch the ones that look like they could be good movies in general. I don’t like Hostel, in fact I HATE Hostel. I’ve never walked out of a movie. I will go to this because it has Keanu in it, if it’s like Hostel, I will walk out.